Over the past year, my life has undergone significant changes, and it’s led me to a powerful realisation: we often think we know what something is like until we experience it firsthand. Only then do we realize how much bigger, tougher, and more complicated it is than we initially imagined.
When something bad happens to someone I know—whether a friend or a family member—I often have the thought, “That’s awful,” and then move on. It might linger for a few days, and I’ll feel empathetic for a moment, but in reality, my life continues as normal.
But what happens when it happens to me? When my life is suddenly thrown into chaos? When my emotions are all over the place, and I find that most people around me just don’t understand? That’s when I realise how different things are when you’re in the midst of the experience, rather than just observing it.
The Long Road to Parenthood
Twenty years ago, my wife and I began trying to start a family. Little did we know, this journey would stretch on for seven years, marked by years of fertility treatments and countless insensitive comments from well-meaning people. If you’ve struggled with infertility, you know the heartache. But if you haven’t, it’s hard to truly understand what it feels like to watch more than 40 babies be born to friends and family while you’re still hoping for just one of your own. Trust me, it’s not something you can truly grasp until it happens to you.
Bankruptcy: A Humbling Reality
Fifteen years ago, I thought of bankruptcy as something reserved for people who were dishonest or irresponsible with money—practically criminals. But following the 2008 financial crisis, we found ourselves over-leveraged in a property development and were forced to file for bankruptcy. Well-meaning people would say things like, “It must be great to be debt-free now,” but the truth was, I felt humiliated. It took years to work through the self-inflicted labels of failure and disappointment. If you’ve experienced crushing failure, you might have a sense of this, but if you haven’t, it’s hard to imagine just how deeply it can affect you.
Kidney Failure: A Personal Struggle
This year, I faced a health crisis that I never anticipated. Just three months after moving from the UK to Australia, I experienced sudden kidney failure. I have a congenital kidney disease, and I’ve watched several family members go on to dialysis or undergo transplants. So, you might think I was prepared for what lay ahead. But here’s the thing—it’s completely different when it happens to you. The endless hospital visits, daily pain, operations, and a life-altering treatment regimen have brought my life to a grinding halt.
Empathy in Practice
Through all of these trials, one thought keeps coming to mind: the reality of experiencing something myself is nothing like watching someone else go through it. As many of us work with individuals living with dementia, we may have witnessed the toll it takes people and their families. But the truth is, none of us can fully grasp what it feels like to live with dementia unless we experience it firsthand.
I remember when we learned that our IVF treatments had been successful. The clinicians were business-like and detached—they see this outcome every day. Likewise, during the bankruptcy process, I realised the judge who declared our bankruptcy wasn’t personally affected by our struggles. It was just another case for him. Similarly, in the hospital over the past few months, I’ve encountered many doctors and specialists, and while their care has been excellent, I know they see patients like me every day.
This repetition, this “clinical detachment,” is common in professions where people face difficult circumstances regularly. But as those of us who care for others, we must be careful not to become numb to the pain and challenges that our patients, residents, or their loved ones are facing.
We have a responsibility to remain empathetic—to truly put ourselves in the shoes of the people we care for, and to never forget the profound impact their struggles have on their lives. Our empathy should be a constant reminder that we can’t truly understand someone else’s pain until we walk a mile in their shoes.
MCM Consultant Trainer